Vlogging life

I haven’t blogged in several days. I do vlog daily though. It’s easy, just whip out my phone, film and upload. Well I made it seem really simple, which it is. I do however, have noisy pets. My dog always starts barking or growling when I’m filming. My birds start squawking and I get landed on by any birds that are out of their cage.

It’s fun, time consuming and heartbreaking at times having Peta. They bring joy to my life and I make videos of just them. I love sharing the cute and crazy things they do. It can be time consuming when several are on medication at once or my dog becomes demanding. The heartbreaking part is when it’s time to say goodbye. I wish they lived longer. I have many pets over 10 now.

I have various species of birds and many are in their teens now, some are in their 20s. Parakeets live on average to about 10, some get lucky and live longer. Cockatiels live to about 12 to 15, don’t tell that to my 21 year old and 19 year old Cockatiels though. How long they live depends on several factors, genetics, health, food, living conditions, etc.

Besides sharing pets in my vlogs, I talk about Radioncs, using tools for manifesting, what’s going on, bird rescue and a few other things. I like to use tools when manifesting, like Radionics. You can take an affirmation, aka a statement of intent, of what you want and run it 24/7.

Our minds are so busy thinking about things a mile a minute, it’s hard to stay focused on one affirmation. Not to mention our conscious or subconscious is contradicting the desire we want. So setting up a Radionics device is nice, you basically get out of your own way.

Feeling Down

Isn’t is odd how you can feel fine and then all of a sudden you start feeling down and depressed. You try to trace the feeling back to why you feel sad, but you can’t. The feeling started out of the blue and you can’t find the reason why. It can be frustrating when this happens, especially if you just can’t shake how you now feel.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was an off button to turn off that feeling? Some people are able to do that. The thing is, so much is going on in the brain, all these chemicals involved in regulating the mood. How is it some are able to manipulate that chemistry in their brains? They basically hack their brain and change it, thus altering their feelings.

Meditation can be one way to alter what’s going on inside your head. The thing is, not everyone can meditate, some have racing minds. Trying to quiet that mind in overdrive isn’t easy. There are reasons the mind won’t be quiet. Some have ADD or ADHD and that causes racing thoughts non stop.

Yes I said ADD and I know they no longer use it. Well I do, I have ADD and I try to keep things simple, so if I use whatever terminology they are using now, it just makes more work for my brain. I exhaust my poor brain enough by overthinking as it it.

There is no simple solution to tracing feelings back, what works for one person may not work for another. If you can’t find the reason why there is the sudden onset of sadness, it could be some other reason. Hormones can contribute to feelings, so can brain chemistry and even picking up on other people’s energy.

Going for a short walk can help change the physiology of the body and the chemicals in the brain. Being out in nature can be relaxing. Some kind of creative venture or doing anything you enjoy doing, can also help sidetrack you enough into feeling a bit better.

Some force a smile or a laugh. Watching a funny movie can help or even writing about how you feel can assist in relieving the feeling. Anything that can create a distraction in yourself, helps pull you back into the present and helps shift your awareness.

Superpower

My dog Little Ray Charles, king of the trashbags has a superpower. I never even knew he was a superhero. He can climb on anything within seconds, as long as he is being lead by his nose. That’s not his superpower, nor is his heightened sense of sound.

He’s blind and has far better hearing than a dog with eyesight. Being blind does not affect him at all. He manuvers around any obstacle. He does however, manage to get himself stuck in places and on top of things. I always come to his rescue, by picking him up and saving him from being way too high up on my bed, which is just my mattress. It sits on the floor about a foot off the ground.

Little Ray can get on and off of my bed, he just likes to milk it and have me take him off. His greatest talent isn’t ripping open trash bags in a single bound and climbing into them. No, his gift is far greater. He can pee in front of my door and never be seen. I think he can actually teleport his urine to different places while he sleeps. His superhero name is the Urinator. I hope one day he can use his superpowers for good and pee on his pee pee pad.

Totally Random

This is my totally random post based on looking at my lottery ticket. Sadly, I did not even win a dollar. I did go look up numbers that occur the most often. That lead me to wondering why do some numbers always appear more often than others? That just seems a bit odd to me. I wonder if certain numbered balls weigh more than others. Whatever they used to put the numbers on tha balls, must adds a tiny bit of weight, wouldn’t that mean certain numbers might come up more, because of what number they are?

Maybe the positioning of the balls before they drop has something to do with number frequency. The balls are always lined up the same way every time, they drop the same way everytime. They never very it. I am convinced there must be some kind of a pattern. How is it the lottery can climb so high to crazy amounts and no one has won the big prize after so many months. I saw the Mega Millions lottery go over a billion dollars. Week after week no one won.

I still wonder if it’s rigged somehow? Obviously even if it is rigged, I will never know and neither will anyone else. There are people who have won the lottery jackpot more than once as well. How is that even possible? What are they doing? I did read an article about never buy quick picks, people usually never win on those. The most money I have ever won was on a quick pick. I won $91.00. I was surprised. I didn’t even get a bonus number either.

Wow

We all have those “oh wow” random moments in our lives. I’m talking about the good ones, not the bad ones. The not good moments, fall under the “oh crap” or “oh crap, not again”, if it’s a repeat offender moment. The “oh wow, I had no idea” good moments are the ones that always surprise us. They even may leave us in a daze for a moment or too.

I had the “oh wow, I had no idea moment” a minute ago. I had no idea I had over 500 views of my blogs. Honestly, I’m just writing to write and sometimes to vent. I do have to say I thought my dark, disturbing and twisted story “The Rock” would have alot more people reading it. So far I think my Aunt and my friend are the only ones who read it.

That story was a giant coping mechanism and way to deal with things. It was fun to write, I even lost track of time writing it. In stories you can kill people, the same goes for drawings and you can get away with it. In any creative field you can get away with alot.

So far my favorite role that I acted in was playing a Demon. Playing dark, twisted, disturbing characters is alot of fun, they have so many layers. For anyone out there needing to vent and unload frustrations, try something creative. Create a blog, vlog, podcast or post your work somewhere for others to enjoy, if your brave or wild enough. Have fun with it, it could lead you to an “oh wow, I had no idea” moment.

The Rock

Streaks of lightening illuminated the darkened night sky, as rolling crashes of thunder followed. The winds howling screams filled the chilled night air and the trees shook violently from it’s gusts. The rumbling of thunder grew louder as if mother nature, the Gods from above and the Demons from below were all protesting the event about to unfold. All of the power they had, could not suppress the infant’s birth. This child should never be born, yet alone had been conceived.

In one more swift attempt to utter the complete profound disdain of the soon to be birthed creature, the wind lashed out in rage, it’s screams were ear piercing, the lightening and thunder erupted in violent outbursts. A faint cry of a newborn, would bring the rain down next. As the sky wept in sorrow of the birth, a new life was swaddled in a white cloth tinged with blood. The infant was a putrid pale white, with dark black eyes. It’s eyes were cold and soulless.

It’s parent’s were oblivious to the amount of evil that they had just unleashed. The newborn’s older sister hid in the darkness behind a rocking chair, as the fire from the fireplace danced around the dimly lit room. The mother held the newborn smiling proudly and the father tried to bring his small daughter over, to meet her new baby brother. He tried to take her hand and urged her to come meet little Teddy.

Defiantly the three year old shook her head “no”, with a look of sheer horror on her face.  How is it she knew what her baby brother was and her own parents didn’t. This would be the beginning of the end, of the safety the little girl once knew. No longer would she have a safe place to call home.

As little Teddy grew, his cruelty would be sure to follow. From the day of his birth and the years to follow, he would be prone to violent outbursts and would get his way. Everyone would placate him, just to get him to calm down. Little did they know they were just fueling the fire of the beast within. Whatever Teddy wanted, he would get and he knew it. At such a young age he was a master at manipulation and physical abuse.

Teddy loved riding around the neighborhood on his bike when he was old enough and grabbing unsuspecting cats and tying them up. He thought it was fun to leave them on people’s porches. He was a sick disturbed little boy. Teddy’s favorite hobby was torturing his older sister. He loved pinning her arm behind her back and kicking her up and down the stairs. If they were at the community pool Teddy enjoyed standing on his sister in the water and tried to drown her repeatedly. His sister would be the one he would continually torture and his parent’s did nothing to protect her.

Little Teddy must have inherited his mother’s genetics for she too was just as cruel as her son. She was much worse though. She loved pitting the siblings against each other when she wasn’t gas lighting, mentally abusing, psychologically abusing or emotionally abusing them. It always delighted her to cause drama and confrontation with everyone around her. Teddy’s mother always made sure to tell her daughter how her father never loved her and would belittle her every chance she got.

The father was nothing more than a passive aggressive man, who lived by, if you ignore it, it will go away and don’t ever express your emotions or feelings because they don’t matter. It was a sad existence for the little girl. Never protected by her parents from her sibling, she would escape her reality and live in a fantasy world. Her best friend would be a cat she had gotten as a kitten.

Teddy did horrible things to her kitten. He tried to flush him down the toilet and threw him off a staircase. The parents did nothing. The kitten survived and slept with the little girl every night and watched out for her. The little girl learned early on that to survive this creature, who embodied her sibling, she would befriend animals and care for them. They would always save her.

As the siblings grew they were raised to never marry, never be successful and never leave home. Despite the way they were raised the girl, now an adult, finally escaped the three of them. The mother used dark magick to collapse her daughters life over and over, until finally the daughter lost everything. Forced to move back in with those two parents crushed the daughter. The mother used the same dark magick again and would bring her son Teddy back to live with them a year later.

The daughter was devastated at having to live with her childhood bullies again. This time it would be much worse. Teddy had started drinking and using drugs at a young age, this had caused his brain to not develop normally. He had the mentality of a 12 year old prick! He and his mother both picked up right where they left off on his sister. She was so beaten down from them and suffered PTSD that would only get worse.

Once a cruel boy, now Teddy a cruel man would harass and taunt his sister. The parents still did nothing. They would blame her for trying to cause problems. Teddy escalated his harassment. Knowing that his sister had a deep love for animals , he was determined to get hers all taken away and euthanized. He was unsuccessful. Despite his sister continually standing up to him, Teddy would never back off.

Teddy decided to start killing birds outside to get back at his sister. He would lure the birds into traps and kill them, first by hand and then by high powered bb rifles. He made sure to do this in the back of the house and brag to his sister how he was killing them. He lined up their bodies so she would be forced to see them if she went outside. He even threw their blood all over the door she used to go inside and on her car tires. He left one of the birds in the backyard for her to see. When she went to her parents, they did nothing, but blamed her for Teddy’s behavior and said it was not a big deal if he was killing the birds.

Teddy even left a dead bird hidden so his sister would smell it’s rotting corpse. She found the bird and laid it to rest. Just when she thought maybe Teddy would stop, he started again with lining up the bird bodies. Her father did nothing yet again.

Since the onset of Teddy’s killing to get back at his sister for no reason, she had been studying the occult. She had been learning about various types of magick and what she could do with it. If she could be free from Teddy, she would rid her world of his evil. She managed to visualize beating him, Teddy had no idea what had happened, he fled from the house for three weeks. The mother pleaded for him to come home. He did.

Teddy’s sister studied more, as she learned more, she gained more power. As her power grew Teddy’s demise would be sure to follow. She began testing out different ways to use energy to get back at him. As she planned the different ways she would get to him, the final outcome would always be the same, Teddy would die and his soul would be placed inside a rock for all eternity, no one would ever be able to free him. A special rock had been picked out that would be large enough, not to house Teddy’s soul, but for all the birds to land on it and poop all over it.

That would be a fitting ending for Teddy his sister thought. Soon she would be unleashing all of her power filled with the wrath of Mother Nature, the Gods the Demons and now herself onto Teddy. He like all of them will wish he had never been born.

Day by day Teddy felt weaker and a little sicker. Day by day he continued killing birds and lining them up for his sister to see. As he continued doing this, his sister began calling on all of the forces to destroy the manchild for good. At one time the How he would die mattered, now it didn’t. She unleashed the powers of Demons onto Teddy first, then the Gods, next the forces of Mother Nature would be called on.

Teddy’s sister was wise to never use her own power, she would connect to other sources and let that power fill her before she began any ritual. Different devices were set up to help strike Teddy down, energy was sent out to seek him out and destroy him. Vengence would be hers.

The winds blew causing the palms trees to sway as Teddy drove home from work. He had a near miss at work when part of an ac unit came crashing down and almost hit him. On the way to his car, a car almost swerved and hit him and would have, had he not jumped out of the way. His only thought was to get home, get drunk and start shooting the birds. He thought how great it was, he could kill birds all day long and he could get away with it. His sister could complain all she wanted and nothing would happen to him. He had an entire arsenal of weapons and bullets under his bed and his parents said nothing. They were probably afraid of him, but he didn’t care. Once they were gone the house would be his and he would kick his sister out.

Better yet, he would have her pets taken away and then kick her out. He yearned for that day to come. He just wanted to ruin her life, for no reason other than it would be fun. He felt like his heart was being crushed, he kept having this heart pain and had no idea why. Teddy ignored it. He hoped in his parent’s car and drove home. As he drew nearer to the house, the wind came out of no where, it pushed the car so hard, a semi truck almost plowed right into him as it turned a corner.

He pulled up to the house finally and watched the palm trees sway. He saw some birds flutter near the food he put out earlier, he convinced his stupid parents he was feeding birds. The one bird he overheard his sister was trying to rescue he had already killed, but there was another one that caught his eye. Within minutes he was inside and pointing the higher powered rifel, through the screen he cut a hole into. He grinned and pulled the trigger at a bird. He ran outside smiling and the bird lay there now lifeless. It’s life stolen away by Teddy. He quickly picked it up, it’s little body still warm, he carried it and dropped it on the dirt across from where his sister parked her car, knowing she would see it, his smile grew.

Little did Teddy know his sister saw him walking away from the body. He finally looked over and saw her and just kept smiling away, he knew she could do nothing about it. Satisfied with his harrassment and torment done, he went back inside. His sister filled with rage, told the father who did nothing but laughed at her, this only fueled her loathing of the sibling.

That night as teddy slept, his sister would call upon all of the forces once again. The wind speeds kept growing, thunder and lightening filled the sky. All the of the trees swayed with such force, some had branches break while others had become uprooted. The palm trees in the front of the house began to bend and sway with such a force, that the larger palm tree uprooted at the bottom, the wind blew the tree with such force, it smashed through Teddy’s bedroom window. Glass shards sprayed towards Teddy who awoke, turned on the bedside lamp and sat up, just as one pierced through his heart, another sliced though his jugular. Teddy fell back gasping for breath, a gurgling sound could be heard as the blood filled his throat and mouth.

The motion lights in the front of the house turned on startling the birds who were sleeping in a tree nearby. The winds seemed to force the birds into the broken window and right into Teddy’s room. Teddy clutched at his throat as hundreds of birds flew directly at him. Their beaks and talons scratching and clawing at his eyes taking his site from him. The birds seemed to be aware of what they were doing as they began pecking mercilessly at him. Teddy couldn’t scream.

In the end it was the birds that killed Teddy, before the wounds from the glass had a chance to. It was their retribution for what he had done to them. Once he was dead, the living birds flew off, the ones he had killed lay dead once more all around Teddy. They had rose up for one night and for one reason only, to take vengence on Teddy. Now that they were done, they could rest in peace. All the pain and torture he had inflicted on the birds and every other living animal, he would now endure for all eternity in the rock his sister had chosen for him. Teddy would never rest in peace.

Even after Teddy’s cremation his ashes would suffer the same fate as him. His parents were too distraught losing him, so his sister would be the one to arrange everything. She found the least expensive way to have him cremated, once she had been given his ashes, she placed them on the rock Teddy was in and where hundreds of birds would gather daily. The birds pooped all over the rock and Teddy’s ashes, until the ashes had all blown away or mixed in with the dirt, all Teddy could do was watch in torment, as he relived his hell over and over again from within the rock.

Not Again

I have a really sick and twisted family member that I disowned. I always hope they never comes back, but so far they do. They give new meaning to the word evil in my opinion. Too bad they didn’t miscarry or the umbilical cord wrapped around their neck at birth. I know I sound like a really mentally unhealthy person for saying those things, but hey if you could walk a mile in my shoes you would feel the same way.

I can’t even write about what they do for fear of repercussions if family reads this and it comes back to me. Let’s just say that I walk on egg shells all the time. One day when I am finally free from all of this, I can write about my experiences in a dark dysfunctional place. Until then I remain on the surface and can only write bits and pieces of the truth and try to not reveal the true horror in which I dwell.

I’m learning different types of Magick to protect myself. Does it work, I have no idea, but I figure since we can send good and bad energy to people, then energy can be used as a protection shield as well. I’m currently reading a book by Charles Cosimano aka Uncle Chuckie called “Elementary Psionics”. He goes where authors don’t normally go. He’s real and honest about what he teaches and never holds back. His books are like self defense and empowering manuals all in one.

In talking about books, since I’m not really sure how to write one, I’m going to write a short story as a coping mechanism to deal with my situation. Writing has always been my go to. This time though, I want to write something really dark to deal with what’s going on. Fortunately I can kill off the disowned family member in my story in anyway that I please. I can also draw stick figures of killing them off as well. It might give me some control and an outlet for my anger until I can move out of here.

No One Can Make us Happy

I have come to realize with this whole SP craze in manifesting, that no one else can make us happy. They shouldn’t have to, it’s not their job. Before I continue on, what’s an SP you might be asking?

An SP is a specific person you want, it could be for friendship, a romantic love interest, a hook up or whatever reason you desire to have that specific person for. So many fall into the, if I can just get that person for whatever reason, then I will be fulfilled and happy.

Why is it we humans think that way. If I have X then I will be happy. Ever noticed you get X and your happiness is short lived. Where did that happy feeling go, you spent all this time building up whatever or whoever it was you wanted inside your mind, for who knows how long. Now the feeling is just gone?

Ahhh blame that dopamine rush you got. You got X, your brain released the dopamine to reward you and now the chemical has faded. Bummer, that totally sucks! That also explains addictions of any kind, shopping, oh the rush of buying things. Drugs release chemicals in the brain, your brain and body crave it and now your dependent on those drugs for that feeling.

Back to the SP. Say you get that person, ahh your on cloud 9, your in total bliss, so are they, everything is perfect and you live happily ever after. Wait, hold on there! Happily ever after is only in the movies, it’s not real. Sorry to ruin it for you.

So what’s going on? Everything is great, why are you starting to get slightly neurotic, jealous or clingy, why is your SP acting that way? Oh no, it’s the brain releasing different chemicals, first they cause you to be happy and feel so in love, ohhhhh swoon.

Now those same chemicals are causing you to feel jealous, anxious and clingy, not to mention paranoia is slipping in. Oh my God, I texted X a thousand times and they have not texted back or they keep texting you a billion times a day. Oh no, stop the madness, love is crushing now.

Seriously though, it’s Oxytocin that’s being released causing the feeling of love. Too much of it causes an imbalance and all the ill affects of love are kicking in now. High levels of this love drug being released cause heightened levels of emotional sensitivity. Thus the overreacting and feeling out of control and not knowing why.

Better yet the Amygdala gets triggered and thinks there is a fight or flight response causing your anxiety to skyrocket. Your brain thinks it’s in danger now. Oh great joy. There is alot of other stuff going on now too, cortisol is rising in the brain throwing you off as well.

I tried to find a solution to help lower Oxytocin, so myself and others can calm down and reduce the once great love feeling, which is now a terror of an emotional roller coaster. Unfortunately, I found nothing.

There was only mention of an inhibitor to block Oxytocin in female mice to help them become social butterflies and make friends. Maybe being aware that it’s not you, it’s a chemical chain reaction going on in your brain, that’s causing you to feel like your emotionally derailed might help you get back on track.

That and find other natural ways to raise your Oxytocin, when that new love isn’t around. Do you enjoy doing something, anything else than being with that SP? I know, I know, right now all you can think about is them and you just want to be with them 24/7. Don’t do it. As hard as it might be find another outlet of something you enjoy.

You don’t want to be the cautionary tale of, you spent all your time with that one love and you forgot you had a life before them. Live your life now without them, live your life when you have them as well. Even find one tiny thing you like to do. Eat dark chocolate it raises Oxytocin. You can feel the love that way too. Just don’t overdo it.

Today

I am typing and wearing an eye patch. You never know how important something is until it’s gone. My left eye is covered and my right eye vision is slightly off because of my lack of left eye vision. I had been posting blogs daily, but yesterday was the first time in my writing streak I didn’t. I actually wrote my previous blog at the urgent care, while waiting for my tetanus shot to kick in. My Cockatiel pecked my eye and left me with an eye abrasion.

I think I might wear my glasses from now on when holding my birds from now. I have two other birds that try to pack my eyes as well. I have no idea why. Why are my eyes a magnet to be pecked at. Last month my cat scratched my eyelid by walking over my face. Really glad I had my eyes closed or I would have had several scratches in my right eye.

Now with all of this random stuff happening, the one thing I don’t want to do is be a victim and fall into the poor me attitude. I have a relative who plays the victim and does the poor me. I learned from them exactly how I don’t want to be now or ever! That same person is also a narcissist and is mentally, verbally and psychologically abusive towards me. I have been gas lighted by that person my entire life. It sucks! I can’t change them, nor do I want to. They are who they are. I am who I am and I want to continue learning to be me.

I never knew who I was growing up. I had no sense of self. I was just an extension of that relative. I was never allowed to be me or make my own decisions. Whoever I was, was rejected the day I was born. I grew up learning that everything about me was wrong, every thought and every decision I made was always wrong. I learned that something was wrong with me and always would be. I would never live up to unrealistic expectations thrown on me. Never mind the people who put those expectations on me could not live up to them themselves. To this day I have trust issues trusting any decision that I make.

If you don’t want children, don’t have them. If you can’t live up to the expectations you place on your children, for yourself, don’t put those expectations on them. It’s just not right! Maybe dysfunction people shouldn’t have kids. There should be a test people should take to see what kind of parents they will be. If the test shows that they will be toxic dysfunctional parents, don’t let them have kids. This will be doing a huge favor to those future children, trust me on that. It should be a priviledge to be a parent, not a God given right to procreate. That’s just my opinion though.