Writing is my coping mechanism and has been for several years. Sometimes I write in my journal every day and even several times a day. It’s mostly venting my frustrations, sadness and anger. Every so often it’s writing about things that are going okay in my life. From 2012 to 2017 everything I wrote had a venomous anger to it. I was angry and loathed my life with an immense passion. My go to saying when I was at the low points in my life were “my heart heart aches within my soul” and “I wanted to crawl into a hole and disintegrate into nothing”. I can be overly dramatic when I feel stuck.
I have hit a rough patch again and feel stuck. I had the brilliant idea of I will just do everything I need to do and then go back to bed. That is my current idea of how to deal with reality, just avoid it all together. I will still be productive by writing blogs, making my vlogs and editing them. I will even go out and film at different locations, feed my pets, go to the store and then call it a day.
I even came up with an extra brilliant idea, to add to my brilliant idea of sleeping my life a way. I would get up really early, start my day and then go back to bed when finished. My depression has caught up with me again despite being on medication. I have to take other medication now to help my anti depressant work again, such joy.
I would like to say being on different medications isn’t a big deal, but to me it is. Honestly, I would rather just have a normal functioning brain and not be on any medications at all. Some can find a positive side to having depression, ADD and anxiety, but I can’t. Staying focused and on task is not easy for me. Being on the ADD med helps, but then I tend to get overocused on things, it stirs up my anxiety even worse by how it’s affecting my brain.
All the meds caused weight gain which added more to my depression. I know I might be over focused on the negative aspects of my life right now and all the things I don’t want, but that’s what’s going on. The ADD med might be contributing to my focus on the negative right now. It’s not easy to shake it off. So I write to deal with it. Maybe by pouring my heart and soul out I will be able to release how I feel.
I know everyone goes through this. No one is happy everyday all the time. It would be great if even by writing it all out, an off switch was flipped and now I feel fine again. Writing never seems to make it go away, it just seems to help bring it back up. I never re read my journal entries. I really don’t want to read about how unhappy or angry I was at the time. So what is the answer to empty that reservoir of pent up frustration, how can I make it just go away. I wish I had an easy answer. Until then, I will just keep writing.