Dearest smother,

I’m fairly certain the umbilical cord was severed at birth. I may not recall this being done, as I blocked out that day as best I could. I do have flashbacks of fleeing, however the afterbirth was so slippery I tripped and was caught. My running skills were not very good at that time as I couldn’t even crawl yet or sit up.

I was probably the only infant rushed into therapy the day they were born. Due to your continual questionable parenting I will probably remain in therapy for all eternity, even in the afterlife. I can only hope they have restraining orders on the other side, as I can only assume I will be needing one.

I feel very strongly that I need to run over your phone with my car. It may be the only way to get you to stop calling and texting me a billion times a day. I have a very special ringtone for you, it’s called “silent”. I love it because I can never hear when you call now.

I really miss having your number blocked, but you unfortunately figured that one out. I am looking forward to moving out in secrecy and not telling you. Too bad you will never know where I move to because I will have my address hidden. I will also make sure to have the umbilical cord you keep trying to reattach removed with surgery using a chainsaw and blowtorch.

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