I’ve actually vlogged for seventeen days straight. I’m a bit amazed. I have ADD so it’s hard for me to stick with anything, even things I sort of like doing. The vlogging started out as a distraction and coping mechinism and has transformed into something I enjoy doing. It’s not easy for me to enjoy doing anything because of how I grew up. I had and currently have depression, I also come from an unhealthy family. Growing up I learned that anytime I was happy or excited about something it would get ripped away from me. Eventually I learned to always expect the worst, never enjoy doing anything or being happy. It was just easier to be that way instead of constantly having my soul crushed by a certain relative. I learned how to worry alot as a kid. If I wasn’t worrying, I was worried that by not worrying something bad would happen. It was how I was raised, I did not know any other way.
As an adult you can imagine how I am, actually how I was. I have learned alot on my own and gotten help to overcome my family history. Let’s face it, not all people should be parents. There are toxic, unhealthy, dysfunctional people having children and the family dynamic of dysfunctional families continue. Some kids grow up and at some point realize there is a better way out there and get help. They stop the cycle, maybe they decide to not even have children because they don’t want to recreate what they grew up with.
I’m one of the semi lucky ones in a way I guess. I never had kids. I was afraid they might turn out to be like my family. Having to deal with my family once was more than enough, if I had kids that were like them I would probably have had a melt down. I know being a parent doesn’t come with a rule book and parent’s just recreate what they know. Maybe they are not even aware that they are being exactly like how their parent’s were to them, to their own kids. I have no idea.
All I know is that I enjoy vlogging and sharing my interests with others and hope that people enjoy what I am doing. This is one way I am trying to make my world a better place, by one vlog at a time and if I need to have some emotional breakdown to cope with family, I do it when the camera isn’t rolling. I don’t need to share everything with everyone, I can pick and choose. Now if I can just get into blogging everyday to further keep myself busy and distract myself. Plus I seem to do better when I have projects to work on. Being bored is not a good thing for me. I tend do dwell on things and make things far worse then they are sometimes. Hey, I’m human, we probably all do it.